**Note: This is a personal post and not meant as advice in any way on how to cope with a bad call. I do highly recommend seeking CISD, as it was very helpful from my personal experience.
So I have been on a writing hiatus for a good several months. I believe I did mention before that I had a lot going on in my life, but mainly it had to do with several bad calls I had to deal with in January and February. At the time, I felt it overwhelming to do any sort of paramedical related things outside of work in my leisure time as it stressed me out. I used to enjoy watching a lot of medical films in my spare time or delving into other paramedicine related blogs, but I found I lost the passion for it. All of it just became stressful instead of being relaxing and fun.
For the last several months it was a battle with emotions of one particular call that stuck with me. The emotions are still strong at times, but time seems to be helping with making the pain less acute.
What else have I been up to in the last several months? Well I realized I needed to take a break from “extra-curricular” paramedicine, since that was all I have been absorbed in for the last two years. I gave up a lot of extra curricular activities I loved in order to become a paramedic and I decided it’s time to regain the balance I once had before I entered paramedicine. I picked up my passion for the fine arts again, painting and making clay sculptures, I dug out my electric guitar from my closet and began playing some tunes, and perhaps one of the things that meant the most to me prior to paramedicine, I began slowly getting back into capoeira (a brazilian martial art). I found bringing my old passions back into my life brightened it. It added colour, but more importantly, it was also about re-establishing who I am, my values, my passions.
I don’t ever regret having taken part in that one call that changed me, it was an invaluable learning experience, and I know I had a very strong impact on my patient in the very last hours of his life. Perhaps I gave a little too much of myself to him, connected with him a little too much, I crossed the boundary, and hence hurt myself in the process. But looking back, it was all worth it, because I became his friend when there was no one, and I was with him till he breathed his last. I remember that twinkle in his eyes before he passed away, the way he looked at me. It was an acknowledgement. What sort of acknowledgement, whether it was accepting death or a thank you, I will never know.
Either way, I feel like I have taken a long enough break and that it’s time to start blogging again.
I guess I’ll see you around! 🙂